Circa 2002, November!! First few days out of delhi….of my own… still learning to know that there are roads beyond Ring Road…and language beyond hindi. I will talk about those learnings later… lets start with an interesting event happened with me in Kolkata (referred to as City of Joy, still!!!???!!!!)

I had been to Kali Mandir (as told by my brother – there are few things a must watch in kolkata – tram lines, howrah bridge, metro rail, Victoria house and the shrine) to cover one of the desired destination. Even I feel, if u haven’t been to “must watch” of a particular city, u have theoretically not been to that city!! And dunno why, I was in a hurry to complete the full circle, may be I was expecting my short stay at this joy city and eager to get back to my home ground.

Anyways, I had taken my camera alongwith me – yashika J…the conventional one….not digital (just to look as if I have come here for a purpose, I hate prayers!!! And don’t even want anybody to think that I am praying….though dats very unassuming in India), presumably to capture some splendid moments of nature. That’s when I started clicking the shrine and the surrounding nature. Looks like 'Nature' got embarrassed with my amateur photography. As I was walking back to the parking lot, 'Nature' called me. Tried ignoring it. No-go. It called me again and again. I had to listen to it this time. Started looking around for a public toilet. After a long hunt, found a dilapidated structure near the light house. Heaved a loud sigh of relief and started running towards that heaven.

"Plis, plis staap sor", came a voice from a corner. Had no time to waste. Especially, was not in a mood to listen to some Bengali jerk shouting in English with a Bengali accent!

Irritatingly, I shouted back saying, "aapnar tokleef ki? "
(Meaning, "what the hell do you want man ?")

That guy continued to speak (say, try) in English and asked something that stumped my brain and heated up my haemoglobins - Must have been around 104 degrees Fahrenheit.

"Sor, you going one bathroom au two bathroom?"
(Precisely speaking, "do you wanna pee or shit?")

I asked him in hindi, "How the hell does it bother you?"
By then, nature stopped calling me. It actually started to yell. I was really trying hard, but this guy was just incorrigible.

He again replied/ tried in English saying, "Sor, aami the toilet moster. Plis pay one takaa for one bathroom and two takaa for two bathroom"

And that was the last straw to break the camel's back ! I was fuming within myself. He was not ready to allow me inside without the payment. And even if I did pay, I was doubtful if he would come inside to check what I was really doing. I've heard of a school master, station master, Karate master, grand master and even a tea master. But who the hell is a toilet master? Probably he wanted to command some respect for his profession. I had no time to think about all that shit. I had been challenged by Nature and had to answer it desperately. Finally, tossed a two 'takaa' coin on his table and sprinted towards Nirvana. Not that I came under the two 'takaa' category, but wanted to avoid getting spied by another man! And at this junction.

However, what I saw inside the toilet, it literally made me puke. Unclean floor covered with a dirty slush of mud. Pieces of shit spread all over the pot. Sanitary tubes and valves broken and unplugged from the basins. Colourful designs on the walls made out of a mixture of pan and saliva and tobacco and what not. Nauseating stench. To top it all, there was not a drop of water in the taps. To my surprise, I even found some excreta on the wash basin. I've only heard about people doing things differently. This was the first time I saw it ! I know creativity has no limits. But this is atrocious ! Believe me, I have not exaggerated even a single fact. What is really stopping these people from maintaining the toilets clean, inspite of we paying money for using them ? This is not the case with just this toilet alone. Almost all public toilets in India are maintained this way. (I don’t want to narrate scenes of my vaishno devi yatra here… I had almost lost to nature then) I see this so called 'toilet master' collecting coins from the public and stacking them on his table just like we do while playing tambola (yes, only the tambola master gets the riches). Who uses this money and for what purpose ? These are some of the questions for which I have no answers. Sometimes I used to think, maybe it is because of this reason that our desi folks prefer the street corner near a transformer/ tree rather than a public toilet. Nothing better than “natural loo” when nature calls you!

Speaking of toilets, ah ! that rings a bell ! Someone once told me - "Marriage is like a toilet. People who are outside, desperately want to get in and people who are inside, desperately want to get out."

All said and done, I've always had this question lingering in my mind since my childhood days. I would be grateful if someone could answer -

Why is number one associated with pee-ing and number two, with shitting ? On what basis were the rankings declared?